Nobody knows what happens to us after we die, but Dante is about to find out after a devastating car accident, leaving him to be interviewed to decide his fate whether he goes up the elevator or down in the afterlife.
Trigger warning: swearing, death/suicide.
Up or Down
By Joey Coleman
Characters:
DANTE: 26-year-old male. Stubborn and arrogant.
MARY: Age unknown. Very proper and elegant.
Scene:
Very simple set- there is an empty table and two chairs. There is also a door upstage directly behind the table and chairs. The door is big and intricately detailed. The stage begins empty.
MARY enters holding a clipboard from stage right. She is in business attire and looks very professional. She addresses the audience while reading from the clipboard.
MARY: Subject: Dante Whitfield. Age: twenty-six years. Profession: Apprentice carpenter. Born February 9th, 1987. Height: 6’2”. Weight: 174 lbs. Shoe size: 12 (she makes a smirk or a noise to imply she’s intrigued). Hobbies and interests: movies, skiing, wood-work, walking his dog Max, jogging, the hit show Breaking Bad, and pornography of a graphic nature. Died April 17th, 1:42 am, 2013 due to a car accident on West Broadway and Cambie Street, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. A swift death by injury to the head implies that the victim did not suffer. (Pause) Well, not yet.
DANTE enters and sits down at the empty table. He is in regular clothes and looks around confused.
MARY: Hello, Mr. Whitfield—
DANTE: Call me Dante.
MARY: Uh-um… okay. Hello Dante. My name is Mary and I will be your interviewer.
DANTE: Interviewer?
MARY: I trust you’ve been told the current situation already?
DANTE: I’m dead… that’s all I’ve been told.
MARY: Unfortunately that is true. Does this trouble you?
DANTE: What the hell kind of—
MARY: Let’s refrain from using the “H” word here, please.
DANTE: Okay… what the fuck kind of question is that? Of course I’m upset! I’m dead!
MARY (writing on the clipboard): Has tendencies of rage…
DANTE: No- don’t write that! I mean-… I’m sorry.
MARY (writing): Apologetic… good.
DANTE: What is this interview for?
MARY: It is the final test in whether you go up (she gestures) or down (gestures).
DANTE: Up or…? Oh. And where does the fancy door lead to?
MARY: That depends on what I decide.
DANTE: So you determine this? Isn’t that a bit biased?
MARY: No, Dante. You determine your fate by your actions. (She looks back at her clipboard and chuckles quietly)
DANTE: What’s so damn funny?
MARY: Refrain from that word too, please. It’s just funny that your name is Dante and you’re here.
DANTE: Yes, yes it’s all very ironic. Your name isn’t very subtle either, Mary.
MARY: What do you mean?
DANTE: Mary? Like Joseph and Mary?
MARY: I don’t understand.
DANTE: Never mind. Can we move on? I didn’t think this section would be so… calm. Shouldn’t I be tortured with maggots devouring my soul or something?
MARY: Now who’s being ironic. And who said it wasn’t going to be torturous?
DANTE: Well, I admit I have gone through my number of horrible interviews, but it’s never been something I couldn’t handle.
MARY: Let’s begin, shall we? This process will consist of reviewing all the major “bad” decisions or actions you have committed in your lifetime. From your records, it seems like you have had four.
DANTE: Four? Only four? Well, that’s good, right?
MARY: It’s not the amount of bad deeds, Dante, but the severity of them. (Looks at her records) Foul act number one: the afternoon of November 29th, 1998; do you remember it?
DANTE (sarcastic): Yes, actually, it was a nippy Wednesday. Just cold enough for a jacket—no I do not remember! I was like ten—
MARY: Eleven, Dante. (She writes) Math not his strongest subject…
DANTE: Okay! What did I do on this particular day?
MARY: Called a girl a mean name.
DANTE (chuckles then pauses): Wait- you’re serious? That’s it?
MARY: On the playground of Queen Alexandra Elementary school; you referred to a Miss Penelope Fisher as… “Pimply Penelope”.
DANTE: Oh yeah. Well, to be fair, she developed early and her whole face was red from acne.
MARY: Regardless, this nickname followed Penelope into high school to the point where everyone simply called her “Pimply”.
DANTE: Kids can be so cruel.
MARY: This continued until she was seventeen and tried to take her own life.
DANTE: Wait- what? Pimpl—Penelope killed herself?
MARY: She attempted but failed to do so. After she switched schools and went to therapy, she found a place in her life where she can finally be happy.
DANTE: … So it all worked out.
MARY: Dante! A girl almost killed herself because of a name you invented for her!
DANTE: I was eleven! Boys are immature and dumb!
MARY (writing): No compassion…
DANTE: No! No, no, no! I have compassion! I feel awful!
MARY: Do you? (Pause) Secondly—
DANTE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, why are you hurrying? I mean if this is my last chance for redemption, I’d like to take my time.
MARY: I have many more interviews to get to today.
DANTE: Really? How many?
MARY: How many people die a day?
DANTE (thinks): Whoa… and you have to interview all of them?
MARY: Not all of them, but a lot.
DANTE: How many have you interviewed before me?
MARY: 2, 500, 623.
DANTE: Wow. Pretty shitty day job.
MARY: Yes, well, I have to do it.
DANTE: You have to? Why? Just quit.
MARY: I can’t just “quit”. I have to interview the dead until I can obtain life.
DANTE: Wait- you obtain a life? I thought it was just given to you. (Pause) So I was an interviewer?
MARY: At some point, yes.
DANTE: So, who decides when you get a life?
MARY: Who do you think?
DANTE: Oh… well, do you ever know approximately when you’ll get one?
MARY: I came close once.
DANTE: You did? What happened?
MARY: Do you know who Gordon Charlotte was?
DANTE: Yeah, he was a serial killer in the 80s who killed like twenty college girls.
MARY looks at the table ashamed.
DANTE: Oh, Mary, you didn’t.
MARY: He was so convincing!
DANTE: That’s what he did! He was so charismatic that he lured girls into his home and sliced them into bits! If you were alive, he would have killed you!
MARY: I wasn’t a female at the time… It was one of my early interviews, okay? I’ve already been ridiculed enough for it.
DANTE: So is he up there now?
MARY: No, luckily the boss reviews and makes the final decision. But now I don’t know if I’ll ever get another chance. (She starts to get emotional)
DANTE: Okay, okay, calm down… You really want to live don’t you? (She nods) Life isn’t that great. I mean, people lie, they steal, they make war. I once had a guy who asked me for money and when I told him I didn’t have any, he spat on me!
MARY: I’ve been spit on a few times.
DANTE: Really?
MARY: Well, one hundred and seventy-six times.
DANTE: Wow, people hate you.
MARY: Yeah, well, no one likes the idea of someone judging them.
DANTE: I guess not. Well, I hope you’ll live soon.
MARY: Me too. (Pause) It’s not that bad is it?
DANTE: No, no, it’s fine. Wait until you discover sex.
MARY: Sex? Is it really great?
DANTE: Oh yeah, it’s fantastic. But don’t do it too early.
MARY: Why not?
DANTE: You don’t want any “accidents”.
MARY: Accidents? Oh, like someone dying?
DANTE: No, geez, I hope not. Like babies.
MARY: I would want babies.
DANTE: Not when you’re young.
MARY: Why not?
DANTE: Because they are a huge responsibility.
MARY: Did you ever have babies?
DANTE: You have my file, what did it say?
MARY: No.
DANTE: There ya go.
MARY: You’re very smart, actually.
DANTE: You sound surprised.
MARY: Because I am.
DANTE: Hey! Don’t start being mean now. Not when I’m finally starting to like you.
MARY: You like me?
DANTE: Yeah. Well, I mean- um, you’re a lot nicer than some people.
MARY: Thank you. (Beat) So, can we move on now?
DANTE: Of course. It’s all yours.
MARY: As I was saying before, secondly: January 4th, 2003. I won’t even ask if you remember—
DANTE: It was the first time I tried pot—what of it?
MARY: Ah, so you can remember aspects of your life.
DANTE: I’m not an idiot, you said so yourself! (Beat) You can write that down. Was it bad because it’s an illegal substance?
MARY: That’s one portion. Do you remember Tony Munch?
DANTE: Yeah. He was the one who smoked with me.
MARY: Do you remember pressuring him to do it?
DANTE: Whoa, whoa! “Pressure” is a very strong word. I may have coaxed.
MARY: Dante, don’t piss in my cup and call it apple juice.
DANTE: You’re getting vicious now. Okay, okay—I just wanted someone to do it with! Is that so bad? I didn’t want to be alone in experiencing life.
MARY: Did you keep in contact with Tony after grade ten?
DANTE: Yeah, for a bit, but then he got super into drugs and got all weird—oh crap.
MARY: In rehab in 2008, he stated that it was the first “high” he felt with you that made him pursue that path.
DANTE: Why are you focusing on what other people do? Isn’t this supposed to be about me?
MARY: It’s impulsive decisions that can have drastic effects on others without you even knowing it.
DANTE: That’s deep… were you a poet?
MARY: Was I? When do you mean?
DANTE: Oh, right, sorry. I forgot you’ve never been alive.
MARY: We were literally talking about it two minutes ago!
DANTE: Okay, okay, calm down. Wait- how can you judge me if you’ve never had human experiences?
MARY: Obtaining life is something to be earned! God knows how you got one.
DANTE: Did you just use the Lord’s name in vain?
MARY (panicked): No! I- I was just stating a fact! God knows because God made the decision!
DANTE: So God is real?
MARY: What? No- I mean- shit.
DANTE: You can swear now?
MARY: Shut up! Just shut up!
DANTE: Why can’t you clarify the existence of God for me?
MARY: It’s not my job to push beliefs! So you can just be quiet!
DANTE (grabs her clipboard and writes): Tendencies of rage and outbursts…
MARY (grabs it back): Stop that!
DANTE (laughs): So what are you then? If you’re not human.
MARY: I’m sort of the opposite of an angel.
DANTE: Like an archangel?
MARY: No! More like… a “pre-angel”.
DANTE: A pre-angel?
MARY: I have to earn my life. Angels exist once you die, I exist before you live.
DANTE: I don’t think I fully understand.
MARY: You don’t have to.
DANTE: So tell me, Mary, if you’ve never lived, why do you look like this?
MARY: Like what?
DANTE: You know, hot… (Sees that she doesn’t understand) An attractive female.
MARY: Oh! Well, we take on the form and language most appropriate to the client. Apparently a young attractive female puts you at ease.
DANTE: It sure does. (He stares intently at her)
MARY: Yes… well- um… let’s continue.
DANTE: Are you blushing Miss Interviewer?
MARY: No! No- I was just- um…
DANTE: Alas, she feels! What is it like to have feelings?
MARY: I don’t have feelings! And certainly not for you.
DANTE (moves closer to her): Are you sure? Not even a little?
MARY: I- um… (She thinks of how to take control of the situation again) Well, you know. You are very attractive.
DANTE: I am?
MARY (sits on the table provocatively and moves closer): Oh, very much so. I’m sure you didn’t have any problem with the ladies when you were alive.
DANTE: What are you doing?
MARY strokes the collar of his shirt slowly.
DANTE (he moves away): Phew. Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?
MARY (smiles): Would you say that you are in some sort of furnace, Dante? Or anything of the same sort? Dante’s furnace? Or a similar sort of word maybe?
DANTE (laughs): Shut up.
They both share a laugh.
DANTE: Furnace? Really?
MARY: I tried.
DANTE: Well, bravo Miss. You managed to make me thoroughly uncomfortable.
MARY: Ah, then my work is done.
DANTE (takes a breath): So, what’s next? Did I shoot someone in my sleep or something?
MARY (goes back to her files): Oh! Yes. Well, this one may be obvious, but let’s talk about your parents.
DANTE: Ah, crap. I thought you’d bypass that. But I guess you can’t really ignore someone not “honouring thy father and thy mother”.
MARY: Impressive. Why did you disconnect from them?
DANTE: Really? You have to ask that? He was a drunk and she was a drug addict.
MARY: Actually, they both took illegal substances.
DANTE: What? Jesus, I thought at least he was half decent. (Realizes what he just said) Oh… sorry. (He looks up) Sorry!
MARY: You’re learning. Good. So you left them just before your illegal drug intake?
DANTE: I didn’t quite leave. I finally got the courage and called child protection services on their asses and got taken away to a moderately better home. Once I tried pot for the first time with Tony I realized I didn’t want to be like my parents at all and never tried it again.
MARY: Yet stuck to the alcohol consumption.
DANTE: I…
MARY (pause): Um… then you decided to never speak to them again, secretly loathing them forever?
DANTE: It wasn’t much of a secret.
MARY: Did you ever feel remorse or guilt for hating them?
DANTE (sighs): No. Go ahead, write it down: “no remorse”. If you want me to say I’m sorry for hating the assholes that were never there for me, who barely spoke to me, who beat me almost every night, then fine! I am so sorry! Happy now?!
MARY: No. I just had to address the issue. I apologize.
DANTE: No- it was my fault. I shouldn’t have blown up like that. You’re actually not the worst interviewer I’ve had. You’re very nice actually.
MARY: Thank you. (Beat) And I also apologize in advance for what I’m about to mention. We need to talk about Meghan.
DANTE: No. No fucking way. That’s where I draw the line. Just send me to Hell right now.
MARY: Dante…
DANTE: No! This is inhuman! You just sit there perched on your pedestal and blindly shine a light on everyone’s worst memories to prove whether they can go to Heaven or Hell? Well, fuck you!
MARY: We do it so the sins can be absolved and we can judge the subject on their reactions to the process.
DANTE: See- right there! You speak of us like we’re lab rats! WE ARE HUMAN! We have emotions and do stupid things and act spontaneously sometimes! We make mistakes!
MARY: You make mistakes that cost another person her life!
Beat.
MARY: I-I’m so sorry.
DANTE: Where is she? (pause) Where is she?!
MARY: I- I don’t know. We only get notice just before the interview and only the information for our own client… Dante?
DANTE: You want to talk? Fine! Let’s talk! I killed her! I made a stupid decision and tried to drive us both home drunk! I… I didn’t know she had died.
MARY: Dante… I-I’m—
DANTE: Sorry? For what? You didn’t put the liquor into my system. You didn’t convince me that driving home from the bar was a good idea. You didn’t crash my car into that median, killing us both. Just, please, tell me one thing, did she suffer?
MARY (looks at her files): There is a note that both individuals died instantly. So, no, she didn’t.
DANTE: Thank you. I’m sorry for shouting at you. Again.
MARY: It’s okay. You’re only human.
DANTE: Not anymore. Am I?
MARY: Of course you are! Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you’re not human anymore! You lived.
DANTE: Thanks. You know what, Mary?
MARY: What?
DANTE: You’re going to make a great human someday.
MARY: Thank you, Dante.
DANTE: I just hope you take all these interviews into account when you’re alive.
MARY: Dante, I won’t remember any of this when I get a life.
DANTE: Oh… Yeah, I knew that. Well, I just meant it’d be all in your subconscious and shit. (Pause) Wait, does that mean I was a horrible interviewer and didn’t retain anything?
MARY (smiles): Maybe. But we usually start with a clean slate when we’re born.
DANTE: Right… what do we do now?
MARY: Well, usually after we review the misdeeds, I have a clear judgement on where the subject-um, person is to be placed.
DANTE: And?
MARY: Where do you think you should go?
DANTE: At this moment, I feel like I don’t deserve to go up there. But it would also suck if I had to go down. What do you think?
MARY: Honestly? I have no idea.
DANTE: So what do we do?
MARY: I don’t know.
Lights fade.
End.